Sarcastic Essay

Date sent: 8/12/05

To The Board of Directors of all smoking companies and operations thereof,

First of all, you may be wondering whether or not I will be complaining for the next few paragraphs about how your product is a vile, disgusting object whose only purpose is to shorten the life of its users and put money into your already large bank account. Let me be the first to say this is not the case.

In fact, I want to enlighten you on what a good job you have been doing for this world. The people who only see death in your product are too mundane to see the bigger picture. You are actually preserving the life of our planet. Let me explain:

The current population of the world is approximately 6,458,000,000 people. In the next year, experts project that the population may rise another hundred million. Thusly, we may assume that the population will increase by another billion per decade. But, let us not forget the fact that the population is not growing consistently: it is growing exponentially. In other words, the population may reach ten billion in a matter of twenty five years. The earth can only support so much people before its natural resources start to deplete. New homes are being built everyday, destroying forests and taking up land space. Soon, we may have to use the harsh deserts and mountains for the foundations of new dwellings for the growing masses. Food shortages in most parts of the world also support this, as well as the rising prices of oil. In a century, we may need to find alternate solutions to this problem.

By selling your product, you help control the population. Approximately 438,000 people die per year from smoking. Unfortunately, this is not nearly enough to control the growing population. However, because of your efforts to advertise cigarettes to younger and younger potential buyers, there may be hope yet. After all, our children are the future: we just don't need as many. A child's lungs are much weaker than a full grown adult. By selling your product through ice cream, you can control the population much more effectively. And many of your tobacco advertisements are placed at child's eye level anyway.

Also, more and more teens are smoking. It's almost a mandatory trait in teenagers to buy packs. By advertising through tattoos and locker stickers, you can make most of the teen population to start smoking, and if we're lucky, the pre-teen population as well. Peer pressure can be a powerful thing. Many will be persuaded to join their cigarette friends. And don't look at the protesters saying that those cigarettes are addictive: it only makes the plan for controlling the population even more effective.

Also, look at the ingredients for your cigarettes: arsenic, cyanide, carbon monoxide, tar, benzene, and even the radioactive isotope polonium-120. All of these are normally deadly chemicals, and are put to good use. Not only do we not waste these otherwise harmful chemicals, but they also add to the effectiveness of the overall plan.

And look at the other effects of cigarettes: second hand smoke kills 1700 children a year. Smoking is also the leading cause for house fires, which adds to the death list. 1000 infants die every year in the U.S. alone because pregnant mothers smoke. Black lung disease is also a large effect from smoking, and 445 new cases of lung cancer are being created every year just from your product.

Once more people start buying cigarettes, you can lower the prices of your packs to make them more accessible to the poor. And once you try advertising internationally, we should start to see changes within the next year. By the way, no one will be able to file charges against you, because technically, you're not the ones killing these people. Don't worry about the lawsuits; just concentrate on controlling the population. Everyone will come around eventually.

In conclusion, your product is a big asset required to protect the environmental state of the planet. Humans are growing endlessly, and are taking up too many of the planet's resources. Your cigarettes not only provide a solution to this predicament, but also use chemicals that would otherwise be wasted. Instead, they're put to a good use, if only for a short while, and are stored safely in your products. Don't feel guilty; even though you're 'killing' people, at least you're giving them a good time before they die, right? Continue with your work as if nothing bad is happening. We'll all come around eventually.

End of message


NOTE: This essay was completely sarcastic, and by no means should it be taken seriously. For those of you who haven't figured it out, the real point this essay is putting out is the fact that cigarettes kill in alarming numbers. Unfortunately, we can do something about it, and not many people are. All of the facts stated in this essay are true, and were taken from TRUTH, the anti-tobacco site. It is also true that 95 percent of smokers who want to quit are unsuccessful in doing so. And yet, therepresentatives ofall tobacco companies still deny the fact that smoking is addictive. My grandmother was smoking since she was in college, and couldn't stop until she couldn't hold a cigarette anymore, or a pen, or a glass. She can barely talk, and has no use of her legs. Eating for her is almost impossible, so she has to be tube-fed through the stomach. Remember: stay away from cigarettes, or you'll end up as another statistic.

What is a Satire Essay?

A satire essay is a work that is meant to poke fun at a particular subject. Some of the most common satirical essays are written about political candidates during an election. The author typically finds material that is interesting because of its level of irony.

I like to think about Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update as a satirical piece. The information presented is factual, but the facts are exaggerated and twisted in a way that invokes a sense of humor. Other examples of satirical work include editorial cartoons found in your local newspaper.

Getting Personal

The goal of writing a satire essay is to provide the reader with a fun, humourous and somewhat sarcastic read, while sticking to facts. Satire writing is very opinionated in its format. Unlike other forms of essay writing, satires allow you to put your own personal spin and perspective on the issue. In satirical essay writing, you are trying to make a point. Your goal is not only to make reader's laugh and enjoy reading the article, but usually the author has his own motive in bringing something to light that he is passionate about.

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