Every time I’m out with my kids – this seems to happen:
An older woman stops us, puts her hand over her heart and says something like, “Oh– Enjoy every moment. This time goes by so fast.”
Everywhere I go, someone is telling me to seize the moment, raise my awareness, be happy, enjoy everysecond, etc, etc, etc.
I know that this message is right and good. But as 2011 closes, I have finally allowed myself to admit that it just doesn’t work for me. It bugs me. This CARPE DIEM message makes me paranoid and panicky. Especially during this phase of my life – while I’m raising young kids. Being told, in a million different ways to CARPE DIEM makes me worry that if I’m not in a constant state of intense gratitude and ecstasy, I’m doing something wrong.
I think parenting young children (and old ones, I’ve heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they’ve heard there’s magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it’s hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers – “ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU’LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN’T!” TRUST US!! IT’LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!” – those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Now. I’m not suggesting that the sweet old ladies who tell me to ENJOY MYSELF be thrown from a mountain. These are wonderful ladies. Monkees, probably. But last week, a woman approached me in the Target line and said the following: “Sugar, I hope you are enjoying this. I loved every single second of parenting my two girls. Every single moment. These days go by so fast.”
At that particular moment, Amma had swiped a bra from the cart and arranged it over her sweater, while sucking a lollipop undoubtedly found on the ground. She also had three shop-lifted clip-on neon feathers stuck in her hair. She looked exactly like a contestant from Toddlers and Tiaras. A losing contestant. I couldn’t find Chase anywhere, and Tish was sucking the pen from the credit card machine WHILE the woman in front of me was trying to use it. And so I just looked at the woman, smiled and said, “Thank you. Yes. Me too. I am enjoying every single moment. Especially this one. Yes. Thank you.”
That’s not exactly what I wanted to say, though.
There was a famous writer who, when asked if she loved writing, replied, “No. but I love having written.” What I wanted to say to this sweet woman was, “Are you sure? Are you sure you don’t mean you love having parented?”
I love having written. And I love having parented. My favorite part of each day is when the kids are put to sleep (to bed) and Craig and I sink into the couch to watch some quality TV, like Celebrity Wife Swap, and congratulate each other on a job well done. Or a job done, at least.
Every time I write a post like this, I get emails suggesting that I’m being negative. I have received this particular message four or five times – G, if you can’t handle the three you have, why do you want a fourth?
That one always stings, and I don’t think it’s quite fair. Parenting is hard. Just like lots of important jobs are hard. Why is it that the second a mother admits that it’s hard, people feel the need to suggest that maybe she’s not doing it right? Or that she certainly shouldn’t add more to her load. Maybe the fact that it’s so hard means she IS doing it right…in her own way…and she happens to be honest.
Craig is a software salesman. It’s a hard job in this economy. And he comes home each day and talks a little bit about how hard it is. And I don’t ever feel the need to suggest that he’s not doing it right, or that he’s negative for noticing that it’s hard, or that maybe he shouldn’t even consider taking on more responsibility. And I doubt anybody comes by his office to make sure he’s ENJOYING HIMSELF. I doubt his boss peeks in his office and says: “This career stuff…it goes so fast…ARE YOU ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THERE, CRAIG???? THE FISCAL YEAR FLIES BY!! CARPE DIEM, CRAIG!”
My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn’t enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn’t in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn’t MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I’d wake up and the kids would be gone, and I’d be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.
But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here’s what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:
“It’s helluva hard, isn’t it? You’re a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She’s my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime.” And hopefully, every once in a while, I’ll add– “Let me pick up that grocery bill for ya, sister. Go put those kids in the van and pull on up- I’ll have them bring your groceries out.”
Anyway. Clearly, Carpe Diemdoesn’t work for me.I can’t even carpe fifteen minutes in a row, so a whole diem is out of the question.
Here’s what does work for me:
There are two different types of time. Chronos time is what we live in. It’s regular time, it’s one minute at a time, it’s staring down the clock till bedtime time, it’s ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it’s four screaming minutes in time out time, it’s two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.
Then there’s Kairos time. Kairos is God’s time. It’s time outside of time. It’s metaphysical time. Kairos is those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day, and I cherish them.
Like when I actually stop what I’m doing and really look at Tish. I notice how perfectly smooth and brownish her skin is. I notice the perfect curves of her teeny elf mouth and her asianish brown eyes, and I breathe in her soft Tishy smell. In these moments, I see that her mouth is moving but I can’t hear her because all I can think is – This is the first time I’ve really seen Tish all day, and my God – she is so beautiful. Kairos.
Like when I’m stuck in chronos time in the grocery line and I’m haggard and annoyed and angry at the slow check-out clerk. And then I look at my cart and I’m transported out of chronos. And suddenly I notice the piles of healthy food I’ll feed my children to grow their bodies and minds and I remember that most of the world’s mamas would kill for this opportunity. This chance to stand in a grocery line with enough money to pay. And I just stare at my cart. At the abundance. The bounty. Thank you, God. Kairos.
Or when I curl up in my cozy bed with Theo asleep at my feet and Craig asleep by my side and I listen to them both breathing. And for a moment, I think- how did a girl like me get so lucky? To go to bed each night surrounded by this breath, this love, this peace, this warmth? Kairos.
These kairos moments leave as fast as they come- but I mark them. I say the word kairos in my head each time I leave chronos. And at the end of the day, I don’t remember exactly what my kairos moments were, but I remember I had them. And that makes the pain of the daily parenting climb worth it.
If I had a couple Kairos moments during the day, I call it a success.
Carpe a couple of Kairoses a day.
Good enough for me.
Author of the #1 New York Times Bestseller LOVE WARRIOR — ORDER HERE
Join the Momastery community on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram & Pinterest
Here's what pops into my head when I think about being true to yourself -- integrity, beliefs, personal values, honesty, sincerity, unwavering principles, being complete, authentic, living by what is and what is not acceptable to you, morals, ethics, right and wrong, honor, not being false, truth...
The words feel good to me -- positive, healthy, strong, peaceful and happy.
So -- it seems being true to yourself is a good thing.
Here's how 2 B U
- Being true to yourself starts with knowing who you are and accepting yourself; knowing your strengths, passions, limitations and purpose in life and then living that way all the time. You come to know yourself only by living life. Finding what works for you. What defines you and makes you whole.
- Being true to yourself is a personal choice for truth; making choices about how you want to live. You have the total power to live your life any way you want and to be faithful and factual to the truth about you.
- Being true to yourself means you don't worry about pleasing other people; living by someone else's standards or rules. You don't care what people think of you. You live as your natural self. Without compromise. No one can tell you how to be true to yourself except you.
- Being true to yourself is this simple -- either you live in integrity or you live out of integrity. That's it. In or out. Moment to moment. No other choices. No other way to live other than being true to who you are. You choose one course of action. One way to be.
1. I love how author and spiritualist Don Miguel Ruiz describes it:
"Be impeccable with your word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean.
Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others.
Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love."
Can you really live one way?
Start examining your life and see if every single situation you're involved with is healthy for you in your mind and heart. Ask: Am I being true to myself here? If not, find out why and then change it. Go ahead and tell the truth about yourself to everyone.
Yup. That's right. Tell the whole truth. You'll probably shake things up and disrupt some people but when the 'fall out' settles you'll be saying -- "This is who I am. This is how I intend to live my life. This is the real me!"
In the process of speaking your truth you'll garner something wonderful -- authenticity -- living your values and your beliefs.
2. Gandhi gives us three wise and basic guide lines to live your values:
"Be congruent. Be authentic. Be your true self."
I'm not saying be any way you want. Jails are full of people who do that and don't care at all about the effect they have on others or the world. It means being responsible; holding yourself accountable for your thoughts and actions.
We're all born with instincts about how to live. If you go away from those innate feelings you may feel bad; you'll hurt, be ashamed and even get angry.
When I look back on my life I sometimes cringe thinking about some of the things I said and did. Wishing I could change it. Well you can. That's the gift. The bad feelings are your internal, ethical GPS letting you know that the direction you went in was unjust to someone or something or yourself. It's an opportunity because you can always change how you see it, grow and be different. Never do it again.
In life there are no mistakes. Everything is a learning experience which helps you know how you can be true to yourself.
3. Joan of Arc was passionate about living your beliefs:
"One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it.
But to sacrifice what you are and to live without belief,
that is a fate more terrible than dying."
When you're true to yourself you're also true to other people. And in being true to others you're being true right back at yourself. It's an inseparable dance of ethics.
Sure you'll be finding your way. Sometimes you'll slip, falter, fall down and completely fail but that is perfectly OK because it's these life lessons that make you the person you are; they build and hone the essence of you and help you choose the real YOU.
To be true to yourself means never to lessen the meaning of who you are. Never to be partial. Never living two different ways.
Often I say to my coaching clients -- find out what you want. Because when you know exactly what you want in life then you'll be able to go after it full force and that means being true to yourself, living in integrity and trusting in a self-purpose that sets you free, guides and leads you to be your true self and live your heart felt dreams, even while you're in process and working to change.
Give yourself permission to be your true self
I'm still becoming Michael. Still discovering who I am and working at being true to myself. It's an exhilarating way to live and I've discovered one mighty and liberating fact -- it's OK to be me and to want to be true to myself!
Remember -- you're the game changer - you're in charge -- you're the boss of you -- you set the ground rules and boundaries -- no one else has that superb power or pleasure. No one else ever should. Live your truth.
4. You'll know this truth by Shakespeare:
"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man."